Regina King Talks About Processing Son's Death 'Minute by Minute' Two Years after Suicide
Regina King, one of the most masterful performers on the screen, had finally been enjoying her due over the past decade, scoring multiple Emmy wins and an Oscar. On January 21, 2022, her world turned upside down when her son Ian Alexander Jr. died by suicide. She's largely stayed out of the spotlight these past two years, while working through her grief. Now, she's bringing to the screen the film she was working on when she had to share the tragic loss of her son. He was her only child. Shirley tells the true story of Shirley Chisolm, a Black woman elected to Congress in 1968 who ran for the Democratic nomination for president just four years later, making her the first woman and Black candidate to do so. King was just a month into filming when she lost Alexander. With the film now in theaters, and as King the actress is celebrated for her latest critically-acclaimed performance, King the mother is opening up about her experiences with grief and loss over the past two years, telling Harper's BAZARR she takes it "minute by minute." "When I look at all of the work and everything that we and Ian put into trying to move through the depression ... I mean, he's pure joy and pure light," she said of her son. "But he was struggling so much." She said that her son "never presented" his internal struggle, though. "That's why I know that a smile doesn't always mean happy," she said. "He would never not let whoever he was with feel like they were the most special person in the world." Elsewhere in the interview, King said that she feels her faith has been challenged through this process after seeing how much her son put into this life and his relationships. "I don't know that I should say this, because I feel like it's where I used to be, but that idea that what you put into it is what you get back -- it's been proven to me that that's not necessarily true," she said. "So for me, I'm like, 'Man, he was putting a lot into things," she emphasized, "a lot into people, a lot into this world, and yet it wasn't translating back.'" When asked if she would want to go through this life again, knowing that it would play out exactly the same, she said she would, "just because of how much Ian gives me." She went on to note, "Right now, it is me trying to better understand this new relationship with Ian that the universe has chosen. We always talk about spirit: They're always with us in spirit. But his physical absence is so loud that it's hard to sometimes tap into that spiritual connection." As she's navigated these past couple of years, King has not done it alone, instead finding understanding in the only group of people who could understand what she's going through: other women who've lost children. One of the most important things they've taught her is "the importance of not isolating -- because it's really easy to isolate, especially when the majority of people in the world have no idea whatsoever of this level of grief." The Oscar-winner also found some solace in understanding that "it's not going to go away." She explained that even though a part of her felt and understood that, there was value in having it confirmed. "I read somewhere that grief is love with no place to go, and I was like, 'Huh ... yeah ... that does sum it up in some way.' " That love for her son is a big part of why she returned to finish the project she'd started when he was still with her. "I know Ian would have felt like if I didn't finish something because of a choice that he needed to make, then I wasn't honoring him," she told Harper's BAZAAR. "We all landed at the finish line on Ian's wings. He guided us there." Shirley was co-produced by King and her sister Reina, alongside director John Ridley. It also stars Terrence Howard and the late Lance Reddick. After a brief theatrical release -- the film is in theaters now -- the biographical drama lands on Netflix on March 22. If you or someone you know is struggling with depression or has had thoughts of harming themselves or taking their own life, get help. The National Suicide Prevention Lifeline (1-800-273-8255) provides 24/7, free, confidential support for people in distress.
Moderated by Tomas Kauer 
King's son, Ian, died by suicide in January 2022, shortly after his 26th birthday.
Regina King, one of the most masterful performers on the screen, had finally been enjoying her due over the past decade, scoring multiple Emmy wins and an Oscar. On January 21, 2022, her world turned upside down when her son Ian Alexander Jr. died by suicide.
She's largely stayed out of the spotlight these past two years, while working through her grief. Now, she's bringing to the screen the film she was working on when she had to share the tragic loss of her son. He was her only child.
Shirley tells the true story of Shirley Chisolm, a Black woman elected to Congress in 1968 who ran for the Democratic nomination for president just four years later, making her the first woman and Black candidate to do so. King was just a month into filming when she lost Alexander.
With the film now in theaters, and as King the actress is celebrated for her latest critically-acclaimed performance, King the mother is opening up about her experiences with grief and loss over the past two years, telling Harper's BAZARR she takes it "minute by minute."
"When I look at all of the work and everything that we and Ian put into trying to move through the depression ... I mean, he's pure joy and pure light," she said of her son. "But he was struggling so much."
She said that her son "never presented" his internal struggle, though. "That's why I know that a smile doesn't always mean happy," she said. "He would never not let whoever he was with feel like they were the most special person in the world."
"I read somewhere that grief is love with no place to go, and I was like, 'Huh ... yeah ... that does sum it up in some way.'"
Elsewhere in the interview, King said that she feels her faith has been challenged through this process after seeing how much her son put into this life and his relationships.
"I don't know that I should say this, because I feel like it's where I used to be, but that idea that what you put into it is what you get back -- it's been proven to me that that's not necessarily true," she said.
"So for me, I'm like, 'Man, he was putting a lot into things," she emphasized, "a lot into people, a lot into this world, and yet it wasn't translating back.'"
When asked if she would want to go through this life again, knowing that it would play out exactly the same, she said she would, "just because of how much Ian gives me."
She went on to note, "Right now, it is me trying to better understand this new relationship with Ian that the universe has chosen. We always talk about spirit: They're always with us in spirit. But his physical absence is so loud that it's hard to sometimes tap into that spiritual connection."
As she's navigated these past couple of years, King has not done it alone, instead finding understanding in the only group of people who could understand what she's going through: other women who've lost children.
One of the most important things they've taught her is "the importance of not isolating -- because it's really easy to isolate, especially when the majority of people in the world have no idea whatsoever of this level of grief."
The Oscar-winner also found some solace in understanding that "it's not going to go away." She explained that even though a part of her felt and understood that, there was value in having it confirmed. "I read somewhere that grief is love with no place to go, and I was like, 'Huh ... yeah ... that does sum it up in some way.' "
That love for her son is a big part of why she returned to finish the project she'd started when he was still with her. "I know Ian would have felt like if I didn't finish something because of a choice that he needed to make, then I wasn't honoring him," she told Harper's BAZAAR. "We all landed at the finish line on Ian's wings. He guided us there."
Shirley was co-produced by King and her sister Reina, alongside director John Ridley. It also stars Terrence Howard and the late Lance Reddick. After a brief theatrical release -- the film is in theaters now -- the biographical drama lands on Netflix on March 22.
If you or someone you know is struggling with depression or has had thoughts of harming themselves or taking their own life, get help. The National Suicide Prevention Lifeline (1-800-273-8255) provides 24/7, free, confidential support for people in distress.
